The safari continues…

August 31, 2010

(The mocking death-grin of the Manocreature… often the last thing a defenseless Idol sees before she is devoured)

Back by popular (well, singular) request, here’s the latest installment of my exclusive peek into the terrifying mind of the Manobeast.

When we last left off, the Manobeast had just finished her usual daily ritual of boring her victims to death and then devouring them. This unfortunate tendency has been well established by solid scientific research.However, through careful observation (and occasional detriment to my own personal safety), I have been able to to achieve a breakthrough in the field of Manobiology.

The stunning news: While previously thought to have been entirely solitary in her pursuits, the Manobeast has been revealed as willing to work in a team to take down large prey. Seen behind the Manobeast in this rare photograph are the poor creatures with whom the Manobeast seems to hunt:

The group of young females and other humans behind the Manocreature seem mostly extraneous and, if they serve any purpose at all, it is to provide the Mano with a ready snack when she needs it (likely she has captured them all with her Lucky Aura, rendering them unable to escape). The breakthrough discovery is the existence of the Creature in Red visible directly behind the Manobeast.

This extraordinary being appears to have something of a master-servant relationship with the Manobeast. Indeed, when she wants it to do her bidding, the Manobeast has been seen to whip and otherwise mistreat the Creature in Red.

(Note her uncaring expression: She clearly views him solely as a tool  to be used in attacking prey)

However, he is no shy weakling: When he attacks, he uses devastating physical attacks that appear to stun his opponents into a state of (what I have termed) “genki.”

( The creature in red mockingly joins his victim in a fit of genki)

How this forced state of genki helps the Manobeast catch her prey is still uncertain. I shall likely need to extend my study of this horrifying creature for many years before all of her mysteries are sorted out.

Yet, as terrifying as she is, researching the Manobeast has proved to be a gratifying exploit, and one I will doubtless be unable to avoid for many years to come.

That is, unless I fall prey to her first…

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A bit of follow-up…

August 9, 2010

So to recap: Most of the WotaWorld is in tears, my fandom has been shaken to the core, Tsunku needs his testicles mangled by a cat…

And now we move on to the next biggest concern: What’s next?

I have a silly little theory that will probably not pan out. From the translations of Tsuntsun’s comments on the 9th gen audition website, it seems as though they’re only looking for one girl to add to the group.

Only adding one girl at this point would be ridiculous. 6 members? For Morning Musume? No way! This is the group that had to split in half in its hey-day, because there were just too many freakin’ members!

So, either all of the translations are wrong (quite possible, it’s tough to translate that quickly) or something else is in the works.

My guess is that Tsunku might be thinking of adding some Eggs to Morning Musume this time around. He must know that certain fans have always pined over Kikkawa Yuu’s lost MM opportunity, and the addition of Linlin opened the way for other Eggs to find their way into the Flagship of H!P.

So let’s look at a couple of likely Eggs, shall we?

Kikkawa Yuu

Everyone’s favorite MM-reject aside from Kashiwagi Yuki, and probably the most popular Egg. This girl has beauty, brains (no, I have no proof for that one, she just seems smart), talent, personality, and a fanbase. In short, she’s perfect. If Tsunku were putting Eggs into MM, there would only be one major obstacle in her way: Tsunku hates being wrong.  He seems like the type who would look at Yuu and say, “Well, I mean, yeah, she’d be a great addition to the group, but no is no, and I already said no to her once. So there. Nyah!”

I personally would love to see Yuu in Momusu.  She reminds me a bit of Iida Kaori’s more natural side. She’s so elegant and sweet.  She’d be a great counterpoint to Aika’s scrappyness and Reina’s annoyingness.

Kitahara Sayaka

Arguably the other most popular Egg due to her time in Milky Way*, Sayaka ought to be put into MM if only for the sake of her killer abs. She also happens to have a unique, cool personality. Now, I know Tsunku hates girls who show personality right off the bat, tending to go for little lumps of malleable clay, but I have always loved cool personalities (blame Yossy). I want a cool girl in MM!

Sekine Azusa

My personal favorite Egg, Forehead-girl! Think of the brow-themed merchandising possibilities! Think of the hats she could sell! Instead of mufflers in the winter, balaclavas! Instead of wristbands, headbands! Tsuntsun would be a fool to pass her up!

Okay. Joking aside, this girl reminds me of Linlin, so I want her in MM so badly that I can taste it. She’s so energetic and such a talented performer. She loses herself in the moment, just like Lin, and I just want to watch her grow and grow as a performer! Sekitty is an Egg that I don’t want to lose to obscurity.

Don’t pass this up, Tsunku! (Psst, if he feels like adding more than one Egg… look how great these two are together!)

Sengoku Minami

A lot of people say that Minami is freaking hot. I don’t think so. To me she seems completely average in terms of looks and talent. It’s because of that, however, that I think she might become a part of the 9th generation.

I can’t say it enough: Tsunku loves average girls. He loves that idea that they can grow and blossom from being average to being something great. What he doesn’t realize is that sometimes average girls are really just average. No growth potential. Maybe this applies to Minami, maybe it doesn’t. I’m not saying that Minami has no potential, I’m just saying that I don’t see it as much as a lot of other people do. So yeah, if Tsunku picks any Egg for MM, it might just be her, and if it is, I’ll be sad.

Hirano Tomomi

This would just be hilarious, and entirely like Tsunku. I have no idea why Tomomi is an Egg- I always feel like the point behind the Eggs is to find children so young that they have no choice but to be malleable and easy to shape into Super Idols. I’ve never heard Tomomi sing or seen her perform. In fact, the only video I can find of her is her introduction as an Egg, during which everyone in the audience freaked out when she announced how old she is. She is the least likely to become a part of MM’s 9th gen, but then, Tsunku likes surprising us.

Well, these are my main bets. Of course, there is one more person who might just end up in Morning Musume… Well, not really a person at all. More of a vicious killer and devourer of Idols. In fact, now that it’s come down to it, I can’t believe I didn’t realize it before: This freakish three-part graduation is all part of her plan. Her plan to infiltrate and devour Morning Musume!

That’s right…

MANO ERINAAAAAAAAA!

But Rebecca (you say)! She is an established soloist with a long career of boring and uninteresting singing under her belt!  She has released seven singles and an album! She is talented desu desu desu!

Well, reader, those arguments would be valid if not for the existence of a certain 6th generation member, that reluctant ex-soloist who had five singles and an album to her name (and legions of obsessive wota) when she was tossed into Morning Musume… that wonderful girl with the deep voice and raspy vibrato, Fujimoto Miki!

If Tsunku really wanted to drive home all of the hurt I feel after this awful graduation decision, he will put ManoEri into Morning Musume as a sort of homicidal Miki part 2. Fujimoto set a dangerous precedent. I’m sure she didn’t know that her addition to the group would pave the path for allowing in this Idol-eater, but it has, and we must now all brace ourselves for what is to come…

Ah well. That’s H!P.

* Am I the only one who thought that Anataboshi was a complete trainwreck? The entire blogsphere seemed to love it, but to me the song seemed rushed, with a bad backing track, and a messy, distracting PV.


Why the worst matter

July 26, 2010

(This picture somehow seems appropriate)

We all feel this way at some point. Every time she shows her face- be it in concert, the middle of a music video, or on TV, we cringe. We want her gone. We wish the cameraman would stop worrying about spending somewhat equal time on all of the members, and just stay the heck away from this one.*

She’s a different member for each of us, but every wota can identify her in a heartbeat: Their least favorite.

I’m fairly vocal about my least favorite members, and even my friends who aren’t H!P fans (IE all of my friends…) can at least point to Risako or Reina and say “She’s the one you don’t like, right?”

So yes, I can’t stand Reina or Risako. I don’t like ManoEri either, although she’s kind of a special case (in that I’m terrified of her). I’m not going to talk about why I dislike these girls in this post. I feel like I mention my reasoning in every other post I make, and for the purpose of this article, reasons actually don’t matter all that much. I dislike these girls, and that’s all there is to it.


(Pure, murderous intent)

Whenever my least favorite gets half of the lines in their respective singles, I rail and rant about the unfairness. “It should have been Maasa/Captain/Lin/Sayumi/insertunderratedidolhere!” I say, closing my eyes in despair at the unfairness of it all.

However, there’s another layer to my Idol-Wota relationship when it comes to the least favorites. I dislike them, yes. But that’s not all.

I recently re-watched Berryz Koubou’s 2009 Aki ~Medachitai~ tour, and the above video made me angry enough to leave a comment essentially detailing everything that I hated about Risako. Someone else commented and agreed with me, and at first I was all happy to have found someone who felt the same as I did. But something in their comment didn’t sit right with me. This was their original comment (sorry, I can’t find the video again, and I don’t remember my exact comment) :

” I know! I can’t even say how much I hate her. 😛 She’s the worst in the group and she’s getting all the lines! I can’t say how much better my life would be if she just left Berryz forever. She’s just plain gross!”

What? Leave the group? Berryz Koubou without Risako’s annoying, pouty, face? Inconceivable!

I may hate on Risako. I may scream with indignation whenever Reina thinks that, just for a change, she’ll wink during her solo line. But I would never, ever want to see either of their groups without them.

This is the part where you, reader, will sit back and say to yourself “Rebecca, I read your blog because it occasionally makes me laugh, think, cough up phlegm, or do all three at once. I enjoy your solid convictions against your least favorites. What up?” I will tell you what is up, dear reader. Least favorites are essential to keeping interest in a group alive. Without them, my favorite groups would be cool and groovy rage-free zones, yes, but also terribly dull.

(Do I really want her out of the picture?)

Not convinced? Stay with me.

Take C-ute. I have my favorite in Okai Chisato. I champion her, and I like to say that her sultry vocals can spread world peace. But C-ute is my least favorite of all of H!P’s main groups, and I barely pay attention to them. I surely devote less time to them than BK or Morning Musume (for the sake of arguments, I’m leaving out S/mileage. They’re too new). And guess what? C-ute is the sole group without one member that I dislike. True, sometimes I whine about Nakky’s duck voice, but she is just so pretty and good at dancing. Yeah, Airi has pretty much taken over the group’s singles, but damnit, she’s gorgeous and talented, and if anyone’s going to have a solo single, it ought to be her. Maimi is a freakishly gorgeous cyborg woman, and Maimai is turning into a beautiful young lady.

When I watch C-ute’s concerts, there’s no suspense. I don’t care who gets a line or when, because no one in the group makes me rage. In fact, I tend to skip over most of C-ute’s performances, because I know that they’ll be good enough, but lacking anything that I need to watch out for. After Erika and Kanna left, I didn’t worry about who their lines would be performed by because as far as I was concerned, it could be anyone and I’d be happy.

When I finished watching C-ute’s Shocking Live tour, I felt like I’d watched a good concert. I ate some rice pudding. I felt guilty about doing so even though I wasn’t hungry, then remembered that I’m Jewish and that eating and feeling guilty is what we do. I felt better. I went to bed.

Cut to Morning Musume’s Genki Pikka Pikka tour. My god. I was practically glued to the screen during group songs, flashing back and forth between Youtube and Project!Hello’s colorcodes, wringing my hands and wondering who was going to get Kusumi’s lines. I was on an emotional roller coaster. I cheered when Linlin sang “Torokeru torokeru yumegokochi” in Aishite Aishite Ato Ippun, groaned when Reina (and Ai)  got all of the graduated Nutjob’s lines in Resonant Blue. It should have been Sayumi- her voice would have been squeaky, but at least it would have been someone different. I commented multiple times to that effect, and with each new performance I felt something new- rage, happiness, relief, and at one point, extreme hatred toward all maxi dresses ever.

(I hope this fad is eaten by Lady Gaga and dies.)

What that concert was over, I stayed up late writing this article, then talked on the phone for an hour with my cousin (who is tolerant of my Wotaism and even occasionally indulges in some herself). I went to bed tired, partially annoyed, but more importantly, really excited to see the next Momusu concert. Who knows? Maybe the lines would be rearranged. Maybe Reina would lose her voice and be forced to sit to the side for the entire concert, desperately winking every time the camera swivels past her on its way to someone more talented (hey, I didn’t say that I wouldn’t mind the groups without Reina or Rii’s voices. Just their presence. 😉 )

So yes. I will continue to preach dislike of my least favorites. I might cry a little bit when once again, Saki is pushed to the back in favor of Risako. But you won’t hear me wish them out of the group. Hello! Project is all the better for their presence.

(…Yeah.)

*No, I’m not talking about Aika on a bad hair day ( Y’know. Most days).


FOREVER LOVE… y’mean Tokkaiko 2, right?

November 17, 2008

C-ute’s new PV is not spectacular, but it’s still pretty damn good. I’m loving that they sprung some surprise outfits on us for the dance shot. I’m also loving that no one even bothered to hide the fact that Berryz got the crappier computers for their PV. It speaks volumes about the current placement of these two groups within H!P’s priority list. Berryz has basically become a joke, sort of like Melon Kinenbi did when they released their infamous PV for Onegai Miwaku no Target. I mean, look at this:

bettercompy

Chisato: Ha ha ha! OMG, the girl in that picture’s totally got octopus hair! Lol, what a lame-o!

Kanna: … Wonder if I should tell Chisato that that’s one of her official UFA pics from this PV? They basically photoshop her into unrecognizeability anyways. so it shouldn’t matter, but…

Erika: Mai, how many times must I tell you? Stop trying to unhook my bra in public. Just wait till later, okay?

Mai: C’mon, baby. No one’s watching! Just for a few minutes!

Airi: And that, my friends, is how you download free porn.

Maimi: Wooooow! Airi, who knew you had such hidden talents?

Saki: Hey, that girl in this hentai kinda looks like Yaguchi Mari! Only her name’s Yauchi. What’s this called again? Shining Musume? Funny, that almost sounds like… Oh.

I’m pleased, in general, with how the girls look. The menswear theme is really cool, and I’m loving the boots. With the alternate outfits, each of the girls gets a somewhat menswear inspired feminine outfit, expect for Airi, who’s wearing a particularly attractive little capelet which is nevertheless the aboslute worst thing to be wearing when dancing. It kills her movements. I think I’m the most in love with Mai’s clothes. The remind me of Kanashimi Twilight.

kanna-and-chisatush

The worst outfit award HAS to go to Kanna. She has this odd overall outfit in a really heinous plaid. It totally doesn’t fit around her hips, and it makes her torso look way too short. The hat and the scarf just make it that much worse. She ends up looking like she’s gotten confused as to whether she’s being Orphan Annie or one of the factory boys from Oliver.

However, something else stood out to me about this screen-shot, something far more interesting than the fact that whoever chose Kanna’s clothes was obviously high:

chisatushOMG, ChisaTUSH for the win!

maimifacetouch

Like this move? Takahashi taught it to me. It’s really original and makes me look distraught and hurt, lol!

Maimi was, as usual, looking stunning. For me, Maimi herself isn’t physically my type. She’s pretty, but not in a way that I really care about. But something about the way she carries herself really appeals to me. Maybe it’s because that she’s actually a UFA built cyborg that she carries herself like that, the original having been absorbed by the ManoCreature ages ago.

airibitch

On your knees. Lick my boots. Curl my hair. Kill Momoko and Miyabi so I can go solo.

Somehow… Airi… really made me happy in this one.

Maybe it’s because she knows how to download internet porn. -shrugs- You decide.

16-0847365584l1

No matter how you look at it, Chisato is gorgeous in this PV. But her hair… her hair…

How much hair cement did it take to make it look like someone had basically stuck an octopus to her scalp and called it a day? Whoever thought of this style should be shot (although I don’t mind the bangs).

nakkiewfl

Nakki, oh, Nakki. What happened here? You look like some Mexican guy, and not the sexy kind that have big muscles and looks good when they’re sweating. The scrawny kind with the thin little mustache that tries to sell you things on the side of the street and is wearinga stained tank top and has too much hair gel in their hair.

But, uh, you looked great dancing. In fact, that purple blazer of yours in the alternate outfit version was fantastic. I tried the exact same thing on today while shopping at Banana Republic.

It looked better on you.

Dammit.

kannafl

Kanna, oh, Kanna…

Whatever Saki did wrong, you did right. You’re breathtaking in this PV, in that special lesbian way that only you can be.

maimai

Mai looks like a sickly child here. Like the kind you see carrying an inhaler in their fanny pack, along with their hanky and handi-wipes, just in case.

Er, yeah, Mai. Better luck next time.

16-0844074604l1

If any of you needed proof that Erika is part woodchuck…

Erika was mostly just Erika here. Kinda out of place, but still sexy. I abslolutely loved her curly hair during some parts of the dance shot. She looks so much better that way.

(Oh, the reason for the title of this was because the song, the PV, the dance, the line distribution, all of it basically makes me thing of Tokaikko Junjou/ That’s not bad. I love that song and PV.)

I give this PV a 8 out of 10, and the song an 8.5 out of 10, because I’m just that great.

Now if you’ll excuse, I’m going to go stare at ChisaTUSH some more.


It must be said…

October 24, 2008

I’ve been hiding this for too long. All this time, it’s been a dark, painful secret. Watching the rest of you laughing and enjoying yourselves, I could only turn away in despair, because of… her.

I’ve tried to change, really, I have, but the time has come for me to stop with all this pretense. I am here today to admit the long overdue truth to all of you:

I am terrified of Mano Erina.

Some of you look at her and see an adorable angel. I look at her and see a horrific genetic experiment created by UFA, a monster capable of absorbing the H!P girls through phagocytosis and reproducing their faces in a grotesque mixture upon her own visage.

Look at that. SHE WANTS YOUR SOUL. And you know she’s going to get it in the end, too. She’s already eaten young Tsuji Nozomi (time travel), Yurina, Maimi, Sayumi and Captain. She’s started leeching off of Airi a tiny bit in preparation of her impending C-ute feast, and within a month or two I guarantee that if you x-rayed her stomach or vacuole or whatever the UFA scientists gave her, you’d see some Reina and Takahashi being digested in there, too.

Here she is with two of her first victims. This is a prime example of Mano’s lethal, predator-like intelligence at work. By taking out the leaders of both Kid groups, she’s essentially left Berryz a Momoko led helium-fest, and C-ute completely leaderless, what with Erika not feeling up to the job. Now it’ll be only too easy for this vile creature to pick the defenseless Idols off… first by lulling them to sleep with the boring strains of her piano and emotionless voice, and then finishing them off by sending out her lucky aura to ensnare them.

Here she is, clearly exhibiting the face of C-ute’s former leader, Maimi (the Maimi you currently see is a figment of your imagination. No one can be that hot). I can only theorize that this ability to reproduce the faces of those that she’s absorbed is some kind of natural camouflage against her only known predator, The Babyeating Panda.

You may be wondering how such a seemingly docile creature learned to become such a truly ruthless killer. Well, like most of us, she started small. In fact, she started with animals. Reptiles, to be exact… As evidence, one can see that the face of her very first kill is still the face that she reproduces the most often:

As shown below in this rare snapshot, she records her thoughts about that first meal, along with some terrifyingly brutish drawings of her first victim:

After careful study, I have translated the primitive scrawlings of the Manocreature into something intelligeable:

“Today I killed my first turtle, drank his blood and then enveloped the rest of him with my fearsome jaws♥♥

‘♥Aaaaaah, no, please don’t eat meeeee♥’ is what he said as I devoured him! Yum! I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow! 🙂 “

This documentary brought to you by National H!P Geographic.


H!P flavored ramblings

March 30, 2008

Instead of going in-depth about the things occurring in the blogosphere lately, I’ll just ramble about them here.

H!P Wars Episode VI: Return of the Maki.

– So Maki is blogging again, and she’s in America. I came into H!P at a bad time for liking Maki, since she had just begun to release her line of slut-tastic singles (which gave me a very bad impression of her). Since she left, though, I’ve gained a lot of respect for the effect she had on H!P and Idols in general.

– I wish she’d just tell us what she’s doing in the US, already!

– I’m worried that she’ll try and make a US debut. I don’t want to re-open the “H!P in the US” debate, but… honestly, a lot of people will see her, think “Pretty girl”, then hear her accent and think “Oh, I don’t ‘get’ it, so I don’t like it”. If she’s going to sing in English, she’s gonna have to get pretty damn good.

– If she’s just training to come back to Japan and be the new and improved Goto… then awesome.

Biyuuden/ Viyuuden/ V-u-den: They weren’t always sluts…

– V-u-den’s newest PV has them looking… exactly like they did when they first started out? Even Yui has gone back to having all her hair scraped away from her face, which looks awful on her.

– The song itself is pretty good. I’ve liked this song since I heard Eri performing it solo.

– There are some random blurry, shaky clips of V-u-den playing around on the beach (while wearing all their clothes). I’m not sure why they’re there, though.

New group, ho!

– The members of HAPPY! STYLE have been announced. It consists of the Kansai girls, two trainees (where’d they come from, anyways?) and Noto Arisa.

– I’m glad for the Kansai girls, especially Suma Ai. Puberty was good to her.

puberty-was-good-to-ai.jpg puberty-was-very-good-to-her.jpg

(before and after).

– I’m a little surprised about Noto being added, but whatever. She’s pretty cute.

A snappy title about Mano Erina

– I have held back on blogging about ManoEri cause I’m still not yet sure what to think about her.

– She’s cute and all, and her voice isn’t bad exactly, but… I just don’t see her as a soloist. Still, I’m happy that there’ll be someone new in Wonderful Hearts (that’s assuming that she’ll be in Wonderful Hearts).

Spawn of Tsunku

– I’m unsurprised about this. He has a wife (trophy wife that she is). Of course they’d expect mini Tsunkus eventually.

– I wonder if he’ll make them become members of H!P if they’re girls? Wouldn’t that be against everything a father would want, having his daughters wear skimpy clothes and dance around in front of a bunch of middle aged men?

– Isn’t is amazing that Tsunku hasn’t yet gotten into a scandal of any sort? Without him, the H!P girls would be basically screwed, after all.