New Mini Moni, Old Mini Moni… oi!

June 2, 2009

Hi, everybody!

Well, let’s see! I haven’t blogged since Yossy’s birthday, I do believe. Why? Well, I have been mostly enjoying reading the blogs of others- you’re all amazing (yes, you). But something so momentous, so incredible, so unbelievable has happened that I have to come out of my semi-retirement to blog about it:

Tsunku may have actually had a good idea.

I’m sure that you’ve guessed that I’m talking about the revival of MiniMoni. I think that this move is risky but brilliant on the part of the T-man, and if he plays this right (IE composes it of all of the members I want ;3 ), it could be very successful. And if not, wellllll, it’ll at least be fun for the wota!

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(I mean, seriously, look at this man. Ridiculous).

Now, there have been countless times in which Tsunku has appeared to be on drugs when coming up with a new idea involving H!P. Sometimes he seemed to have been on something very good- I’m thinking that this was the case when he came up with The Peace, decided to include children who could barely speak in his project and train them to be superidols bent on draining our wallets, not telling Niigaki Risa to take herself and her bean-shaped head the hell out of his auditions and including Tsuji into the fourth generation at the last minute. But more often the inventions of the insane man behind H!P’s inventions have been, well, insane.

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(I mean, seriously, look at this group. Ridiculous).

Take Coconuts Musume. CocoMusu were essentially a bunch of awkward, semi-talented Hawaiians who spoke little to no Japanese and looked gigantic next to the petite and supernaturally pretty MM members. They didn’t sell well, and the line-up bounced around enough to make even the best Wota’s eyes spin. And Tsunku was originally very excited about them. They’re not the only ones, though. Most of H!P has had to deal with Tsunku’s crackosity at one time or another: He treated Melon Kinenbi so badly that they quickly became a running joke amongst fans, and even Berryz fell prey to his lunacy (“HEEEEY! Heeey, man, let’s, like, dress ’em up in MONKEY suits! And have ’em sings songs! About MONKEYS!” “Dude, you’re, like, brilliant.”). So, I’ve learned to take most of what Tsunku says and look at it through a filter- a loving, incredulous but indulgent filter. “Oh, that’s just Tsunku being on ecstasy again, it’ll all turn out fine in a few days, no worries.”

(“TSUNKUUUUUU! I WILL DEVOUR YOUR LIVER!”)

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With all that, what makes me think that this revival of a classic group would ever be a good idea, when H!P is stagnant in its popularity and the economy looks like a Johnny’s member without make-up (According to Newsweek, Japan’s economy this year has taken the largest yearlong plunge in decades)?

For one, at least in the beginning, this group should get great publicity. It’s a revival of a group whose old fans are at the right age to look back nostalgically at- “Ah, Mini Moni were so great. I loved listening to their music after school!” In the idol industry, which is all about image, publicity is everything. When people see you, they’re more likely to buy.

Secondly, H!P is moving towards a more mature image. Yes, C-ute’s newest cover single sounds like it was sung by Airi and the Chipmunks, but the other groups are shifting towards a more mature style, Morning Musume especially. At the same time, there’s some holding back. Morning Musume has done dance-y and a little sad in their latest singles, and Dakishimete Dakishimete dabbled in sexiness, but nothing really sultry has come from H!P in a long, long time, whether it be in the form of a song or a group. In fact, the only sultry prodcut of H!P that comes to mind is the original  Tanpopo line-up, and that was back when Morning Musume members were allowed to be real, sexual beings. I feel that with a new Mini Moni to keep up H!P’s playful, childish side, Tsunku may feel more comfortable experimenting with the sultrier side of things. Put those awesome Korean H!P hopefuls to use!

So which H!P members do I think would make this new group a success? Well, that depends.

First, how many members does Tsunku want? Technically there was a time when MiniMoni had five members. I’d like to assume, though, that Tsunku will stick with four.

Will the group have the same theme? Well, we all seem to be assuming that this’ll be a bright, childish group, and that seems about right. If it’s not, then my post is mostly rendered moot. And I hate being made moot.

Second, will he stick with the 150 cm height rule? That seems unlikely, as very few non-Egg members of H!P match that rule. However, since this will be a children’s group (we hope), the members might still stay on the short side.

Third, what groups will the members be from? In my idealized world in which the only drugs Tsunku takes are the ones that he uses to help out in bed with his trophy wife, he’ll choose one girl from each group (BK, C-ute, the Eggs and MM).

The criteria are thus that  there’ll be one member from each group, that the height doesn’t matter but should be shortish, and that the group will be childlike and happy.

So taking that into consideration, here it is:

AOI♥USAGI’S PERFECT NEW MINIMONI FORMATION:

Of course Kanon is already in the group, but I would’ve chosen her anyways: She’s the perfect new Kago. She’s sweet, adorable as hell and has a good voice.

Please let Chisato into the group! She’s little, she’s spunky, and she’s simultaneously able to pull off Tsuji-like levels of mischevousness and Mikitty-like levels of singing ability. She needs to be C-ute’s representative in this group!

Momoko is insane and has a unique, powerful voice. Her personality takes second place to none and she can hold her own on variety shows. She’d be the Mari-figure that this group needs. Plus, she’s tiny! Yay!

Linlove

Yay Linlin! Lin gets to be the crazy foreigner (IE Mika) of this group. She’s a fabulous singer, just like Mika, tiny, full of personality, and can teach us another language! Just please don’t make her wear the Chinese flag on her head in the form of an ugly bandanna, please.

So there you go Tsunku, get off your pills and read my blog. Or stay on your pills and read my blog, for all I care. Just read it!

Disclaimer: Of course, this is the T-man that we’re talking about. It’s completely likely that this group will end up containing Kumai Yurina, Junjun, Umeda Erika, and a half-dozen eggs chosen at random. C’est la vie!


♠♦♥♣

September 21, 2008

So! Thanks to Mars (The blogger of Stardust. Wait a minute. Wow. That sounds like the name of a nerdy emo band. The Bloggers of Stardust. Black ink runs from their slashed wrists as they type out their angst into a coded swirling dark torrent of despair. Yeah, that sounds about right!), I have learned of the formation of possibly the greatest new unit in H!P. Why, you ask, does Usa-chan love this unit so much? She’ll tell you, and in the third person to boot!

1. Usa-chan’s favorite-ish Eggy-poo is currently Saho Akari, who also happens to be portraying the uber cool Amulet Spade character transformation.

2. Usa-chan loves Fukuda Kanon

3. Usa-chan just so happens to adore the character designs for Amu’s character transformations in Shugo Chara.

3.14159. Usa-chan doesn’t usually talk in the third person like this…

3.5. She finds it mildly thrilling.

4. She’ll stop now.

I can’t tell you how happy this new unit has made me.

It’s very interesting that Maeda Yuuka was chosen to be the Amulet Heart transformation, Amu’s main character transformation in the anime/manga. Could that denote an advanced position within the group? I don’t know if I’d like that, as any over-saturated girl in H!P generally annoys me (hey thar Reina). But the fact that my two darlings within the group are portraying my two favorite Character Transformations (Saho Akari as the ever cool MIki, and Fukuda Kanon as the lovely Su) makes me squee like the fangirl that I… well, am. As long as they both get even one tiny little line, the entire rest of the song can be all Maeda, and I’ll be okay. I’m not so stoked about Wada Ayaka, because she’s always reminded me of a brownie. Both the food (which is a dry little chocolate-ish square that grandmothers force into you), and the creatures (which are helpful little sprites that, inexplicably, refuse gifts, especially clothing. Maybe they’re Jehovah’s Witness.)

This good news came at the perfect time for me. Rather than go into detail, I’ll simply say that my life is not going greatly at the moment (a teenager’s position is powerless, or so I’ve been told). Despite all this personal suckishness, just the smallest, most pixelated image of a bunch of cute underage girls dressed up in what looks like cheap cosplay brings all sorts of good feelings back (no, not those kinds of feelings, you perverts). For a half hour, I can sit here and be distracted from any personal crap as I plan out how best to jump a plane to Japan, hide in some bushes, kidnap Saho-chan, put her in my pocket, and bring her back to America with me.

Basically? Idols are the only thing that never fail to make me happy. People come and go, but there will ALWAYS be another poorly produced, talentless pop group out there for me to adore. I give the T-man a lot of grief, but really, I’m very grateful to him.

Thanks, Tsunku. I appreciate it.*

*But you’re seriously still creepy.