“That sucks!”

Every job has its occupational hazards. My tennis instructor used to dream about being beaten by tennis rackets. Teachers probably DREAD being stuck teaching summer school. But what does this have to do with H!P, you wonder? Girls within H!P are all happy and eternally joyous, right? Wrong. There have to be some things that suck about being within H!P, and, dammit, I’m going to figure them out and type them up for your perusal! And before you ask, yes, this post was inspired by this clip.

(By the way, while some of these are serious, most aren’t.)

10.) Tsunku.

No matter how you look at it, this guy is creepy. And, my friends, this scary dude is the one making most of the decisions in your immediate future. How can a man who can’t even responsibly pick a hair color that matches his eyebrows decide the future of your entire group? (Answer: he can’t) And then he decides to go put out versions of your singles that utterly ruin the songs for the fans…

9.) Scandals.

They just never work out in your favor. Unless you’re Yajima Maimi, because MeguKami’s graduation did her a world of good.

8.) Fan-made “curses.”

There are quite a lot of these, and while they might not exactly have a direct effect on you if you’re a H!P member, it must get pretty annoying how a fan’ll make a curse out of ANYTHING these days. And I mean anything. For example, we have the rather famous and seemingly legit Love Machine curse, as well as the more far-fetched Sexy Otona-jan, Aruiteru and W curses.

Most of these, with the Love Machine curse being the obvious exception, are complete and utter tomfoolery (Yes, I said tomfoolery) despite how entertaining they are. In fact, to show just how easy it is to make up a curse if you’re a H!P fan, I’ve made one up for you now:

The 4-member Group Curse (Catchy, no?): All groups with four members will be doomed to poor sales, and a very slow/short run of market activity. Let’s examine this more closely, shall we (and seriously, how gorgeous does Kaori look in that picture)?

The four-members groups who have been/are in H!P are: Melon Kinenbi, SI*NA, Tanpopo gens. 2 and 3, T&C Bomber, Athena and Robikerottsu and DEF. DIVA. Melon Kinenbi, T&C Bomber and Athena and Robikerororororoooo all had fairly low sales, especially Athena and Robyblahblah. DEF. DIVA only put out one real single, and SI*NA hasn’t put out anything and is unlikely to in the near future. The third gen of Tanpopo sold poorly and only released one single. EDIT: Thanks to Nozofan, I realize that I’d forgotten Mini Moni. Well, they were doing just fine when Yagu was their leader, but the moment that Takahashi moved in, the sales plummetted. The only exception is thus the 2nd gen of Tanpopo, which did quite well. But I’m going to ignore that, because this is MY curse and I get to say what’s legit or not. Moving on!

7. Exhausting schedules.

This is one of those serious things that must suck about being in H!P. Thanks to the lovely Ishiguro Aya, we know that the girls often get as little as 3 hours of sleep a night. I’m dead if I get any less than 6 hours, so just the idea of getting 3 hours of sleep and then running straight to the next photoshoot/interview/performance is just… terrifying. Someone, I think it was Yoshimi, pointed out the dark circles under the eyes of some of the girls (Ai, Koharu) on the ONSA covers, and she was right. The girls really do look overly tired there. This work-life is partially what pushed Goto out of H!P, as well. Nakazawa Yuko had to graduate from Momusu because she couldn’t physically keep up with the younger girls’ activities. If UFA isn’t careful, they’re going to start losing girls left and right to sheer exhaustion.

6. Eggs.

You never know when one is going to crack.

5. Anyone from Johnny’s.

(Look, one of the three members of Johnny’s that I can recognize! The other two being Golf and Mike.)

Because on the inside you know that at the end of the day, no matter how much sparlkejuice you put in your hair, how many fake gems and human babies plastic flowers you stick to your nails, or how many peace signs you flash, they will still always be girlier than you.

4. Random black dudes who are hired to lip-synch in your PVs.

‘Nuff said.

3. Your group-mates.

Let me expand here. While it’s true that most girls in H!P seem to get along splendidly, there have been those who, on occasion, don’t get along at all (Rika and Miki being prime examples). And when you don’t like someone, being stuck with them day after day, forced to put on a smiling front for the fans, is near torture. Even the best of friends start getting on one another’s nerves if they spend too much time together.

2. The futility.

(Notice that Risako is almost twice the size of Shimizu Saki. That’s just sad.)

In H!P, you’re basically stuck in the same place among fans from the moment you debut. True, there are exceptions (kamei, Gaki), but generally it’s a futile task to try and become more popular within your group if you’re already one of the ones pushed to the back. Is this fair? No, of course not. It leads me to wonder, what would H!P lose if it did start promoting girls more equally? Would it kill the sales if Risako got one less line and ShimiSaki one more? I doubt it.

Which brings us to, finally, the number one worst thing about being a member of H!P:

1. That time of the month…

I’m completely serious here. Most of the members of H!P are 14 or older, and they are all girls, so eventually it’s going to be that time. For you bachelors out there who don’t already know, girls on their period are scary. And if you can imagine dancing around for hours on end, singing your lungs out, and smiling non-stop while all the while your stomach is cramping like crazy and all you want to do is stay in bed with a hot water bottle and bite the head off of anyone who comes near you, you’ll see that this is truly the most awful aspect of being in H!P.

16 Responses to “That sucks!”

  1. Nozofan says:

    THis was really funny to read😄 But it’s true !

  2. Hotaru says:

    I have thought about how painful it must be to put on a performance like Hello! Project does while on your period, before…and I must say, at times, it would be like death -_-…. But maybe UFA schedules things like that correctly, since a lot of the time, women who work together cycle together (they adjust..?) although this is not always true…and may not actually happen, it is wishful thinking…!

  3. jim says:

    Tsunku is not creepy, he is Tsunku. It’s both noun an adjective; neither good nor bad…it simply is…Tsunku.

    #6 is so not fair, but still funny.

  4. tsukiki says:

    ROFL. Number 5 was hilarious!!

    And in accordance to number 1, intense excersize, which is in short what dancing and singing for hours on end is, really helps with the pains. Even dance practice would help them. I’m sure the only torture would be sitting by a piano for hours during a singing lesson. Or just standing around for a photoshoot. But even then, you’re still doing something and it still helps.

    And I’m positive that they all take extreme!PMS meds. 😄

    @Jim- Yes, actually, Tsunku is very creepy. He’s such a pedo. 😄;;

  5. Usa-chan says:

    @Nozofan: Thank you! It is true…

    @Hotaru:If that’s true, then imagine…50+ girls all PMS-ing at Tsunku at the same time.

    @jim: Wise words indeed. And as for the Linlin thing… true, it’s rather unfair, but that picture is too good to pass up.

  6. mizunohi says:

    This is so true D: I bet the schedules are the worst thing…3 hours of sleep is…not easy to work on, especially with the energy and difficulty the girls do it at!

    About periods….if you’re really athletic most girls don’t PMS and some don’t even get their period anymore (I know this from experience) so that becomes a major plus for the girls!

    I have been assured Tsunku was a scary perv since when I saw him lurking backstage at a couple concerts…. where the girls are half dressed!!! DD:

  7. happyproject says:

    O_O Well I know professional dancers and whatnot take all this medication and stuff so it pretty much delays and shortens that time of the month, and it also pretty much eliminates cramping. But yeah, moving around and dancing DOES help, once you get up and start moving that is… XDDD I’d be like laying on the dance floor not wanting to get up and dance.

    XDD This was a great post though. And the Linlin picture? FREAKING HILLARIOUS

  8. amyrulez says:

    Hey, I’ve never thought about that period thing before…

  9. Navi says:

    You forgot the constant pressure of idoldom.
    I mean, look at Kago.
    Or Yossie, in all her fugly anorexic glory.
    It’s also mentally unhealthy, yes?

  10. Usa-chan says:

    @Tsukiki: That’s probably true, but I still think the idea of putting on a strenuous concert on your period sounds worse, regardless of the science behind that statement.

    @mizunohi:Hmm, is that so? I know some girls who are very thing don’t get their period either, and a lot of H!p girls re certainly thin. As for Tsunku… well, yeah. He’s a creep.

    @happyproject: Myself as well, no doubt there. And thank you! The Linlin picture wasn’t made by me, though, it came from this post: http://cutieparty.vox.com/library/post/shocking-news-linlins-departure.html

    @amyrulez: And now, you can’t un-think it!

  11. DJ_MaiMai says:

    Yeah, I always worry about the girls if they don’t look happy during a concert. Like Risako in the Winter 2008 concert.
    Lady cramps can hurt ( – _______ – ) I just hope the girls are allowed to take medicine while at work (you know, like how you can’t take medicine at school).

    According to doctors, you need a certain amount of fat to get your period. I think you have to be like 100 pounds or something? I’m only 94 lb.s and I just started mine yesterday.
    And theres always birth control. That usually limits you to 4 periods a year =D
    I know alot of excersizing helps with cramps.

    Hilarious post! xD Tsunku really does creep me out =]

  12. Usa-chan says:

    @Navi: I thought about that, and I feel as though that’s somoehow included in all of the other things… or, more, all of the other things are what makes up that constant pressure. And I just have to say this: You just called Yossy fugly in my blog. That is taboo.

    @DJ_MaiMai: I just thought that Risako never looked happy while performing.^^’. Thanks for the comment!

  13. carlie says:

    hmm… i though lida kaori was the one who pointed out the love machine curse? i could be wrong, though. nice post.🙂

  14. Nozofan says:

    You forgot a four members group =3 Minimoni ! They were doing great ! No ?!

  15. Usa-chan says:

    @Carlie: Really? All the more reason to like Iida, then!

    @Nozofan: Ah, you’re right! How could I have forgotten them?!

  16. noa says:

    You make some good points in this post. :]

    Maybe Tsunku looks the way he does because he has hormonal idols biting at his heels 3/4 of the time.

    I noticed that Risako put on quite a lot of weight. Maybe this was the effect of all of the activities that she was involved in. Like when she modeled for pinchy lemon magazine (or something). After only a few months she quit her contract. As for her being such a downer in concerts, I don’t know what her problem is. She has terrible stage presence and she throughout all of these years she still hasn’t shed that infamous expression that resembles a broom being shoved up her backside.

    Even if these girls are keeling over in pain from lady cramps, face raking each other, getting virtually no sleep, repeatedly munching on delicious nutritious infants. They can’t do a thing about it. You know why? Because they signed their souls away to the big perv himself. I wonder if they regret it. Like in the unknowing words of Takahashi Ai, “That sucks!”

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